Knowing What to Say in Sympathy Cards

One grief counselor told a woman who was wondering what to say to a grieving friend that you will never know what to say. This problem often rears its head when looking for sympathy cards. When sending out a note to a friend in mourning, it’s easy to feel a loss for words. Any thought or sentiment can sound shallow or meaningless in the face of what your loved one is going through.

There are some obvious statements that you can and should put in your sympathy cards. Saying “I’m sorry for your loss” might seem weak or trite, but it doesn’t matter. Put it in your own words if you have to, but no matter what, these words won’t sound empty to the person in mourning.

Let the person who has experienced a loss know that you will help them in any way in the sympathy cards. And then follow through. Talk to them once and ask if there is something you can do, and give them suggestions. If you know they have a lawn that is being ignored, tell them you can go over on Monday to mow it. Or let them know in your card that you donated money in the name of their loved one to a charity. Don’t be pushy – you might really want to help, but they might be overwhelmed. If they turn down help, give them some space. Come back in a month to see what you could do then.

Use the card to tell a positive story about the deceased. Giving a concrete story is better then generic adjectives. Write down something small that happened with you and the deceased that the person in mourning didn’t know or wouldn’t remember. These sorts of little moments can mean more than any sort of bouquet or frozen meal. One woman mentioned a story between her and her aunt to a cousin mourning her mother’s loss. It was a small moment of silliness that passed between the woman and her aunt, a joke the aunt told about her life as a kid. The cousin never knew the story and later told the woman how much it meant to have that written reminder of her mother in a playful mood.
Remember that you might never know what to say, and that’s okay. Try not to shy away or overwhelm the mourner. Be sensitive to their needs, whatever they may be. And keep trying to learn what they need, whether that be helping around the house now, proving food for later or lending an ear in a few months, after the funeral is over and the guests have gone home.